Four Practices to Powerful Pathways

Our brains are AMAZING! Seriously, if you were to list all the things you do everyday without even thinking about them, you would have a pretty substantial list. From tying your shoes to driving your car it's pretty incredible that your brain can learn something and file it away so that the next time you have to do that very same task, you don't even have to pause, you just do it. I mean, what a hassle it would be if every time we went to leave the house we had to sit and think about how to tie our shoes? (If you want to read more about it here is a great article on the brain)

Unfortunately, this awesome trait can also cause some major problems with how we communicate and deal with conflict. The same part of our brain responsible for remembering a mundane task also assumes responsibility for remembering behavioral patterns such as how we react to conflict. If we allow our subconscious brain to take over during times of strife, we can be left handling these challenging times in a less than healthy and productive way. And the more we "practice" these unhealthy behaviors (because that's what we are doing when we repeat any behavior, healthy or unhealthy), just like tying our shoe, they become a natural reaction to a situation instead of a thought-out mindful action.

But there's good news, friends! We do not have to live by practiced behaviors! We can make a different choice and change those unhealthy patterns.

It is going to take some purposeful thinking and a little work.

In the last couple of posts here and here I have been exploring the art of having meaningful and productive conversation. Today, I want to talk about a skill that, with some practice, will make you a better friend, parent, spouse, and employee.

It's a little thing called active listening. We can start practicing right now to create safe spaces for expression, even if one of the participants isn't willing or versed in the art of conversation.

The authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High give us four steps we can start using today! And, as an added bonus, they come along with an easy to remember acronym! Since this is an extremely powerful tool the acronym is AMPP.

1) Ask. In this step you want to ask good questions that are not merely yes or no questions, but questions that encourage thoughtful response. Open the conversation up to what the person really wants and have them voice what their desire is for the situation. Let them know you are truly interested in hearing what they have to say!

Open ended questions start with words like: what, how, tell me, and if. It's a good idea to practice open ended questions in your everyday non-confrontational life. The more you use them the more you get good at using them.

2) Mirror. This is just what it sounds like, you are going to mirror what the person says. For this step, you will have to have more than just good listening skills; you will also have to have good observational skills. You want to be able to relay back to the person you are having the conversation with not just what they are saying, but also what their tone of voice or body language is telling you.

An example of this is when you ask your significant other if they are okay and they say they are fine. But based on the way they are standing and the way they said it you know they are not fine.

You can use mirroring to let them know that you care for them and although they say they are fine they don't seem fine. You can tell them they actually seem sad, angry, hurt, worried, (insert emotion here). Not in a confrontational way, but in a caring observant way. People want to be seen and known and when it's done in love it can be powerful.

3) Paraphrase. Once you have an understanding of what the person is feeling, you can use paraphrasing to add security. This is not to say that you will be repeating back exactly what the person says, but in your own way let them know that you hear them and understand what they are saying. Not adding to what they say or repeating what they say, but express understanding of what they are saying.

This sounds more complicated than it really is.

Example-

Wife: You want to know how I feel about the situation? I feel like I am tired of always having to pick up your wet towel off the bedroom floor, shutting the cabinets and drawers after you leave the bathroom, and putting your dish in the dishwasher!

Husband: I hear you. You are frustrated with cleaning up after me.

Wife: Yes!

Simple. This is obviously an over simplification but hopefully you see where this is going.

4) Prime. Even after all this, some still aren't ready to express everything they are feeling. You can take what you have heard up to this point and make your best inference as to what they are thinking or feeling. Be open to listening if your guess is off; this may be the moment they are willing to tell you where they are really coming from.

This can be particularly helpful if there is a laundry list of issues and you need to get to the core of the problem. If you can break it down to an emotion and go from there, this is a good starting point for fruitful conversation.

Okay, I have one more topic from this book I want to talk about next time. It's a pretty important caveat to this whole communicating stuff. What happens when you have tried every thing and you just can't come to an agreement? Where do you go from there?