Four Quick Questions to Ask Yourself When the Stakes Are High

Can asking yourself the right question really change the outcome of a high stakes conversation?

Mike and I have been married for almost 24 years and for about 7 of those 23 years we had a reoccurring argument.

Maybe you can relate.

I made dinner just about every night, and had it on the table at the time that I deemed an appropriate time for a family with four smallish children to eat. I made it clear what time dinner was and then was frustrated night after night when Mike was just leaving the office as it was going on the table. By the time he got home I was angry and cold, to show my disapproval, and he was frustrated and unsure how to fix the problem. We eventually were able to come to an agreement that satisfied both of our needs. But, I'd like to think that if we had applied these four questions to the problem we may have been able to resolve the problem sooner than we did.

For the last couple of posts, we have been talking about goodwill relationships and creating safe places for conversations. And today I want to talk about four questions that can help to foster both goodwill relationships and safe spaces for conversation to flourish.

The authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High give us four questions to ask ourselves when we are confronted with a situation where the conversation is at risk for being unsafe.

1. "What do I really want for myself?"

We can use the situation between Mike and I above. In this situation I would have answered that I want Mike to be home when dinner was put on the table. I want him to be happy to be home to share his day with me because I love him and he is my best friend. I want peace and routine. Also, having him home is helpful to me as he would take up some of the slack with the kids.

2. "What do I really want for others?"

In this instance I would answer that I want Mike home because the kids like to share their day with him at the dinner table. Also, as a parent team, we agree that eating dinner together is a good way to build a strong family dynamic early on. I would say that I want my family to have a peaceful home with a consistent schedule.

3. "What do I really want for the relationship?"

Here, I would say that I want the relationship to be healthy. I want to grow our relationship, and part of having a healthy growing relationship is respecting each other and spending time together. I want to be close with Mike and to work as a team. I want a peaceful relationship, where everyone wins.

4. "How would I behave if I really wanted these results?"

How would I behave if I wanted a husband happy to be home, to share his day with me, to have him there as my best friend? How would I behave if I truly loved him? How would I behave if I wanted him to be home to share stories around the dinner table and work together as a parent team? How would I behave if I wanted to foster a healthy relationship where there is mutual respect for one another? How would I behave if I wanted to spend time together, working as a couple and a team? How would I behave if I really wanted a peaceful relationship where everyone wins?

To achieve all these wonderful things for the relationship it would take kindness, respect, thinking the best of my spouse's intentions, compromise, and understanding. And in looking back, even though these truly were the things I wanted for myself, my family, my husband and for the relationship, I wasn't behaving in a way to achieve these goals. I was angry and frustrated and when you stand back and look at it, acting angry and frustrated isn't a great way to get someone to want to spend time with you!

These questions, when applied to a situation where the stakes are high, have an amazing ability to diffuse a situation and recenter the participants to what they really want for each other and for the relationship. These questions, when used correctly, allow for a win-win outcome, as you are looking out for what is best for everyone in the situation, instead of how to win the disagreement and get your way.

What if the next time you were in a conflict with your spouse or someone else, you took a beat and asked yourself what the answer is to each of these questions and then acted accordingly? How would it change your relationships? How would it change you?

As always, if there is anything I can hep you with, please contact me on my contact page!