The Hidden Key to Handling Hard Conversations

Most people learn to talk at an early age, so why is conversation such a hard skill to master? Our words often cause pain and misunderstandings in our close relationship, but they don't have to!

The scene: dishes are clean, the kids are in bed and it's time to have a little adult conversation. Everything starts out great, you talk about your day, your spouse talks about their's, all is peaceful and good, until, you bring up the issue that has been nagging on you all day. This conversation has now turned from the mundane into the crucial and has the potential to severely alter the rest of the evening, and in some cases the course of a relationship. We have all been in those situations where regular everyday talk moves into the realm of a high stakes conversation. If you are not careful when entering a mine field conversation (whether it be with a significant other, boss, child, teacher, or friend) there can be casualties that often cause long term pain.

I recently reread an amazing book called Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Al Switzler, Joseph Grenny, and Ron McMillan, and within this book is a gold mine of information, helpful tips, and practical steps to ensure that all your conversations lead to goodwill relationships in your life. When we have goodwill relationships, we care about others and believe the best of their intentions. Having goodwill is the first step in undertaking these crucial conversations.

You may be asking, "What is a crucial conversation?" The authors define it as "A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong." By that definition a lot of our conversations could fit into the category of "crucial", so handling them well seems like a pretty important skill!

So, what is the key to handling hard conversations well? It comes down to all participants in the conversation feeling that they get equal time to share their opinions, the feelings they are experiencing, and their ideas on the subject. This is definitely a hard concept when you aren't in a high stakes conversation, but when one or both of the participants have ideas that are contentious or unwelcome the task seems near impossible. Swimming in the pool of communication can be a scary and often treacherous activity.

We lived in California for about 7 years and we spent a good bit of time at the beach. We lived in the valley and it could get pretty hot there, so escaping from the heat to the cool breeze and cold water was always a good idea.

Except one day.

It was pretty hot, over 100 degrees where we were in the valley, and the beach was only about 10 degrees cooler this particular day. We got to the beach and barely found a place to drop all our stuff. We squeezed in between two other families and once the kids were lotioned up they were off. I was alone and sunbathing on the beach quietly reading my book. All of a sudden there was a huge commotion. Everyone on the beach jumped up and ran towards the water pointing and yelling. I of course was in a panic as all my kids were in that water! I ran as fast as I could towards the water but by the time I got there everyone, including my kids, were standing on the beach. Apparently there was a hurt seal in the water and he was swimming up to people and trying to bite them.

The water had become unsafe.

And what happens when the water is unsafe?

We get out!

Fast!

This is much like our conversations. When an unsafe environment is created with our words or our actions, and one or more of the participants feels in danger they will leave the conversation, whether that is physiologically or psychologically, they will find their way out.

But there is a way to ensure that your conversations are safe and everyone gets to keep swimming!

In my next post I will be exploring four questions that can literally change the way you communicate and ensure that all your conversations are safe!

Thanks for reading! And if you think I could help you in your relationships, please contact me on my contact page!