Just Like Riding a Bike

So, I'm not sure what the person who came up with the phrase "It's just like riding a bike", really meant by it, but, I have to assume, based on an experience I had this summer, that it means your are about to crash into something.

This last summer our family had a week-long adventure, exploring Mathews, Virginia. We spent the week laughing, swimming, kayaking, eating and finally at the end of the week we rented bikes to ride on the Riverwalk in Jamestown.

I will admit that I am not a regular bike rider, but a few years ago Mike and I rented bikes in San Diego and rode all over the place.

With no problems.

I can't say the same for our Virginia bike ride.

When I first got on the bike it felt strange. The handlebars were feeling kind of loose and the brakes were not handle brakes but foot brakes. The unfamiliar bike made me uncomfortable and because I was uncomfortable I was struggling to ride this particular bike. I didn't want to ruin everyone else's day so I decided to keep the bike's problems to myself.

This was my first mistake.

Then as I was riding down the first road, I told myself I was going to crash on this bike.

Mistake #2.

I began to hyper-focus on the fact that I was going to crash this bike.

As a matter-of-fact I was so sure that I was going to crash going down one steep hill, that I sent my family on ahead of me so that when I did crash, I didn't trip them up.

And guess what?

I crashed.

Yep, I crashed that bike.

It started out okay going down that hill. I kept the brakes on so I wasn't going too fast, but then my legs got tired of holding on the brakes and I decided to let off the brakes for just a second...

The next thing I knew the pedals were going around faster than I could keep up with, the wonky handle bars took a sharp turn, and down I went.

After I assessed the damage, a scraped up leg and hand, a sore ankle, wounded pride, I picked up the bike and texted my husband to let him know I had crashed.

Mike raced up to make sure I was okay. It was at this point that I finally shared that there was something wrong with this bike. He rode it and realized there was absolutely something wrong with this bike.

He took the bike and traded it in on a different one, and I got back up on the bike. We rode around for a bit longer and I didn't crash into anything else!

As I thought about this bike experience, I couldn't help but draw some connections between my wild ride and what we do in our relationships.

The first thing I noticed was by not speaking up and telling the people who care about me that I felt there were problems, I was hurting myself. I thought about the times where we might see there are problems in our relationship, and we aren't managing it well, but instead of speaking up we shove them down and try to ignore them. When we don't address those small things they can turn into big disasters. The bible tells us in Song of Songs to "catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!"

Wise words from the wisest man. He is telling us to not let those things that could hurt our relationship go unaddressed, because they will eventually build up into big things that could destroy it. I think this concept takes discernment, as I do not think this is suggesting you have to address every little issue, but I do think it is making the case for addressing something that you can't let go. And sometimes, it's just about erring on the side of communication.

I think this idea of little foxes is also pointing towards boundaries. What are the boundaries that you have set up in your relationship? Are they enough to keep the foxes out? Have you set up your boundaries too close to the grapevines, so that the foxes do not have to go very far to get to your vineyard? Have you discussed acceptable boundaries with your spouse as far as the internet goes? Work relationships? Friend groups? I would suggest talking about it and remember to set up your boundaries in a way that keeps your relationship safe.

The next thing that stood out to me was how trying to control the bike by holding the brakes down a hill was so much like someone trying to control every aspect of their relationship. I was good as I started down the hill, I had it all under control, but as speed picked up, I got tired of trying to hold the brakes down and I was forced to let them go. Then, I went from being totally in control to having no control at all! If this is the place you are in, it is exhausting. If you find yourself trying to control the outcome of your relationship it might be time to release it and ask for help before you crash.

The third point that became apparent from my doomed ride was how the things we focus on become our reality. While I was on that malfunctioning bike I was pretty focused on the fact that I was going to crash that bike. I was so focused on the fact that I was going to crash that bike that it actually would have been more of a surprise had I not crashed that bike!

This is a pretty common occurrence in relationships. When we focus on the faults of our spouse and the things that are going wrong in our relationship, it is difficult to focus on the positive aspects or the things that are going right in our relationship. The best way to change your perspective is to...well, change your perspective. You have to stop yourself when you are having thoughts that do not benefit your relationship and the goals you have for that relationship and focus on the thoughts that do benefit that relationship. Focus on what is good if you want to change the trajectory of your relationship.

One way you can do this is to keep a journal for your spouse. The idea is that everyday you take it with you or have it near you to write down the things you appreciate about your spouse, and every evening you return it to their bedside so they can read what you wrote. I love this idea for several reasons. First, it encourages you to write something kind about your spouse everyday. This is a list you can add to throughout the day, or go back and read when you are struggling with focusing on the good and positive. Also, it is available for your spouse to read, so they are hearing those positive encouraging things from you on a regular basis.

The last thing that stood out to me from my bike crash lesson was, when we fall we have to get up and keep moving forward. What would have happened if after I fell off that bike I just sat there in the middle of the road and gave up? It is a pretty silly thought. Of course, when you fall off a bike you get up and move forward, but how many of us fall down in our relationships and refuse to move forward? Instead of figuring out how to keep moving we sit down in the crash site and refuse to consider what it might look like to do things differently. I am here to tell you that you do not have to sit amongst broken things and just accept where you are. You can make a difference in your relationship today, by getting up and deciding to move forward out of the spot you are in. If you are feeling stuck, I would suggest going back and reading my post on vision and mission as that is a great place to start moving forward!