5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life Part 2

Part one, on this topic, found here, explored two ways that you and your spouse can improve your sex life. As I mentioned in the previous post, these are merely suggestions which can be used as a diving off point to deepen your connection with your spouse. Today I explore three more ideas for you to try out, or use them to come up with your own ideas.

3. Make time

Like all things we value, we have to make time for sex. Guys, if your wife is too tired all the time, and that frustrates you, consider asking her what you can take off her plate, how you can help with the house or the kids and then do it.

And wives, when he asks, let him take something off your plate.

No, it may not be the way you do it, it doesn't have to be.

Let it go.

As a side note, I am quite aware that these roles could be reversed and it is the wife that needs to ask the husband what she can take off his plate. You know what your situation is, talk about it and make adjustments.

Make it your mission to serve one another.

This concept of out-serving each other was introduced to Mike and me years ago. When both husband and wife decide that they are going to out do each other when it comes to the area of service, incredible things happen. Once each of you decide that your goal is to serve your spouse with everything you have, no one will feel like they are carrying the whole burden of the household responsibilities! This point will be especially important to those who have service as their love language.

And don't just make time with each other in the house, pursue each other, and make time to get away. Remove yourselves from the day-to-day once in a while and spend time doing something different.

This can be achieved by regular date nights (put them on your calendar and protect them) and if possible weekends away.

I know what you are thinking. Through the years, as we have suggested regular date nights to couples, we have had the same push back over and over.

Kristen, do you know how much a babysitter is???

And my answer is: Yes, yes I do.

It's funny to me that people often get upset about the cost involved in dating their spouse, but don't blink an eye at putting gas in their car, paying an electric bill, gas bill, water bill, or cell phone bill.

But, you say, we have to pay those bills.

And that is why we have to change our mindset about dating. Should our relationship be as important as a cell phone? I would hope it's more important! So budget it in and you will be surprised at how you can make it a priority.

Invest in your relationship the way you would invest in anything else you care about. .

4. Build intimacy

I was recently reading Emotionally Healthy Leader by Peter Scazzero and he shares in this book that he and his wife spend 20 minutes each day naked in each other's arms. He says they do this to "be passionately connected to one another- physically, spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually."

The goal here is to build intimacy.

There is something to being completely vulnerable with each other every day.

I love that Scazzero also mentions Genesis 2 where God makes man and woman to leave their family and become one and it says they "were both naked, and they felt no shame."

It feels like this practice of spending time together, each day, being completely vulnerable, is reclaiming our pre-fall condition.

How can you begin practicing this kind of intimate vulnerability each day?

5. Give cues and learn how to refuse gently

One of the reasons spouses quit pursuing each other is that they fear being turned down. To ensure that each of you are respected and can feel free to pursue the other without the hurt of being turned down, come up with a signal that you are in the mood.

In the book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman gives some ideas of how this could be achieved. He writes, "I know of one couple who have a pair of Korean dolls on their mantle. When one wants sex, he or she puts one of the dolls in a prone position. The partner signals interest by reposition the other doll as well."

While that is pretty creative, you don't have to have dolls on your fireplace to send a signal.

Another idea from Dr. Gottman is using a scale to rate how you are feeling about having an encounter. A "1" would indicate "not a chance", a "5" would indicate "yes, but I may need some convincing", and a "9" would mean "Let's go!"

However you decide to signal each other there will certainly be times when one of you will be in the mood and one will not. It is very important to discuss a good way to say no.

As the we learn from Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare."

So talk about it! How would you most like to be turned down? What words would you like to hear? If words are one of the ways your spouse receive love this could be a very important skill for you to master! Try affirming them, let them know you are not in the mood, and affirm them again.

This is a worthwhile skill to learn for all areas and types of relationships. We see from Paul's example in the New Testament, he always builds up and encourages before he gives the hard to hear news. When we spend time affirming people it is easier for them to digest the hard stuff. I am not suggesting giving fake or false platitudes, but giving sincere encouragement.

Hopefully these 5 tips got you thinking about how to make a positive change in your relationship. The point behind each of these ideas is to form an intimate relationship with your spouse. Remember our ultimate goal should be a relationship:

That does not withhold.

One that brings joy.

Exhibits love.

Is respectful.

Is sacrificial.

Is selfless.

Does that sound like the type of relationship you want?

What steps are you taking to get it?

What can you do today to improve where you are tomorrow?