5 Ways to Improve Your Sex Life Part 1

That title sounds like something right out of Cosmo.

If you finished reading my last post and came away thinking that you know who you are in Christ, but you are still struggling with the practical aspects of having a fulfilling sex life, you are not alone!

It's really not surprising that so many struggle with this area with the way sex is portrayed in movies, books, and even advertisements! There is a lot of misinformation out there about what a healthy sex life should look like for a married couple.

The first thing I suggest is to to discuss the issue together, with your spouse. Talk about what each of your expectations are. Often, when we have unmet expectations in our relationship they cause frustration and dissatisfaction. So, if you are feeling frustrated it's probably time to have a talk and get those thoughts on the table.

But what I can't stress enough is you need to decide, as husband and wife, what you want this to look like. No movie, book, therapist, friend, or self-help book can tell you what is right for your unique relationship. While some of those things may be helpful in deciding direction for your relationship, in the end, this is a decision for you to make as a couple. In addition, just because something works for one couple does not mean that it will or should work for every couple. Also, there are about 10 different ways to achieve any goal, so do some brainstorming and figure out what works for you!

As a side note, while this isn't one person's responsibility, if no one is initiating a change in a relationship, then one person can shift the direction of the relationship when they decide to make a change. This is true for any aspect of our relationship. If one person makes a change, the other will have to make a change. Now, that doesn't mean they will make the change you want them to make, it just means they will have to change. So, if this is important to you and you want to shift the relationship, you need to take the responsibility to start doing things differently. The key here is you have to do things differently. When something isn't working in a relationship, someone has to make the first move, let it be you.

With that said, here are some ideas that may help you come up with ideas of your own. No one is telling you, you must follow these five rules to have a great sex life! These are just some suggestions based on experience, mine and others, so take them, tweak them, or come up with your own ideas!

1. Set a goal

If this is something important to you, but something you have been neglecting, it will take purposeful engagement. This is mindset work. When we are working to change our mindset on something we have to be purposeful and set goals, both short term and long term. If you are at 0 times a week right now, a short term goal would be a good place to start. Talk about it!

What is realistic for now?

What would you like this to look like?

How could this goal be met?

Some people really like goals and the concept ignites their inner competitor. But for some setting goals feels intimidating or too business-like, how about asking each other:

What is our dream for creating a mutually satisfying sexual experience within our relationship?

or

What is our vision for creating a mutually satisfying sexual experience within our relationship?

And then create a ritual.

Now that may sound kind of boring, unromantic, mundane, but at this stage, it is what we make it to be. Although the encounters may be planned, the way they are executed does not have to be the same.

As we begin to change the way we do things, we have to develop new patterns. And developing new patterns takes purposeful thought. We can't rely on what we have always done, if what we have always done is not working. So, in the beginning as we are trying to make this shift, planning and forethought are major parts of the process. But once you have changed the way you do things, it will be more natural and won't take as much scheduling.

After you have an agreed upon goal, dream, or vision, and begun being purposeful about these encounters, the next thing to consider is where are you sleeping and who is in the bed with you?

2. Sleep in the same bed

It is difficult to reach the goals you have put before yourselves if you are never or rarely in the same bed at the same time. If snoring is the issue, I suggest figuring out the problem and getting back together. If your bed is too small, invest in a bigger bed. If one of you is a night owl and one of you is a morning person, try and reach a compromise as to when intimate time can occur and be mutually satisfying.

Whatever the issue is that is keeping you out of the same bed, don't ignore it!

Interestingly enough, when Mike and I married we had different ideas of what the married bed might look like.

I was raised with parents that welcomed me in their bed regularly as a child. I saw nothing wrong with the practice. I got comfort there and it was not a problem for me...

I can't speak for my parents, but I would imagine it probably hampered their intimate time.

Mike on the other hand, did not have that same experience growing up and was adamant about not allowing anyone, that included my animals (sorry doggo) in our bed. It was not a big enough issue for me so after some discussion, I followed his lead.

And I can say after 24 and a half years of marriage, I am glad that we made this a rule. Our bed is ours and it is a special place for the two of us.

Now, you might ask: were there times when we had very small babies that spent a couple of hours in our bed because we were too exhausted to get up and return them to their crib?

YES! But it was a limited time and we always returned them so that our bed was our own again.

So while this may be highly unpopular, kick those kids out of your bed. You will sleep better, they will sleep better, and your alone time as a couple will thrive.

Your bedroom should be an inviting place, a retreat where you want to spend time, one that is peaceful and restful, so invest in that space and make it a place you want to be.

Tomorrow I will explore the next three ideas to help create a fulfilling sex life. If you have other ideas you'd like to add I'd love to hear them!