Great Sex: A Matter of Identity

I find it interesting, that although God created sex, in my 24 years of hanging around church people it is talked about surprisingly little.

And when it is mentioned it is often done in a whisper, or with embarrassment, or even worse with condemnation.

The lack of discussion can lead people to have a misguided view of what sex is really about.

In this fallen world sex is often viewed as the thing that saves. Instead of worshiping the creator, the creation worships the creation. In Romans 1:25 Paul notes that "They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator"

It can become an idol when it is what we depend on to give us value or when it is the center of our existence.

And idols can't stand.

They will fail you.

Or it can be viewed as purely utilitarian, to serve one purpose: procreation.

These are all distorted views from its original design.

The problem with sex is not sex in itself. God created sex and designed it for our good.

Genesis 2:21-24 says:

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

The plan in the beginning was for man and woman to "become one flesh".

There is no mention of sex being shameful or bad. As a matter of fact it says they felt NO shame.

There is nothing here that says sex should become your identity or your sole purpose in life.

It doesn't say that they should only use it for creating life.

But when sin entered the world, sex, like everything else in creation, developed a distorted identity:

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (Genesis 2:7-11, 16)

At first glance it seems like a good thing for Eve to only desire her husband. But God isn't saying that she will only want her husband over other men, He is saying that she will want to choose him over God. Where Eve's first desire used to be God, her husband now fills that role.

The implications here are dire.

When we set our eyes on any human and expect them to take God's place we will have disappointment, unmet expectations, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration...the list goes on.

Until your identity has a firm foundation in God, you will continue to seek your identity in others.

And they will fail you.

There is an identity message here for husbands as well as wives: you are not God.

In his book Boundaries in Marriage, Henry Cloud says: "By human nature, we try to play God instead of seeking him. We need to continually own this worst and most hurtful aspect of our character. By playing God, we miss the mark in loving, being responsible, and caring about the welfare of our spouse. Submit this part of yourself to God's authority."

So not only do we need to be careful not to make someone a god, but we need to not take on the role of God in someone else's life.

Once sin entered the world, Adam and Eve became aware that they were naked and their nakedness became unnatural. Instead of focusing on their maker they became people focused on themselves. Their identity shifted.

Intimacy took a major hit when sin reared its ugly head.

What God had created as beautiful and pure became something shameful.

This all sounds pretty tragic.

The good news is that God sent His son to redeem His children, and if you are a child of His you do not live under that same sin covering!

This is good news because as Christ-followers we can enjoy sex in a marital relationship as God created it. Not as something shameful or to give us meaning, but something that creates a bond and intimacy in a relationship. When you find your true identity in Christ all of our human relationships begin to look different.

This type of relationship does not withhold.

It brings joy.

It exhibits love.

It is respectful.

It is sacrificial.

It is selfless.

How do you achieve all these? That is what we will be talking about next!

If you would like to shift your perspective about sex, a relationship coach can help you do that. If you want to talk about it contact me!