The Fair Fight

Conflict is a necessary part of every relationship.

That is a hard truth, but a truth none the less.

Conflict spurs our relationships to change and grow. I would suggest that if there is an absence of conflict, that would be a more troublesome sign than if a relationship were filled with it. Fighting is a sign of passion and caring and when it is done correctly, fairly, it can take your relationship to the next level of intimacy.

I grew up in a home where my parents fought. They fought about all kinds of stuff and my mom was a yeller so we all knew when there was a problem. The situations varied, but the pattern was always the same. Dad did, or more likely didn't do, something that didn't fit in with what mom expected.

Mom started picking.

Dad stonewalled.

Mom got more frustrated and began yelling, Dad tried (too late) to do or undo the problem, and then Mom locked herself in her room for the duration of the evening sporadically yelling at Dad about what he did or didn't do.

This was the model for conflict I came into marriage with.

As a child I never thought this paradigm was good. I felt bad for my dad, he usually looked lost and helpless and since he was the quieter parent it seemed he was less at fault. Although, from an early age, I recognized this was an unhealthy example of conflict, I adopted it as my "go to" when things got heated with Mike.

Until...

I'll never forget the day. Mike and I were about a month away from being married. I was preparing to move out of the duplex I lived in, in Flagstaff, Az, and move down to the Valley. I was scrubbing the floor in the kitchen when Mike walked in the house.

He said something.

I took it the wrong way.

A heated argument began.

And at this point everything was still okay. You see everyone disagrees, everyone has conflict, it's what happened next that took it to the level of unhealthy.

I began yelling and went from fighting for our relationship, to fighting Mike. I no longer cared what this argument was about, I only cared that I won. I wanted him to know that he was wrong and that I was right and I wanted him to feel terrible about whatever it was that he said. He turned to flee the situation, but right before he left, it happened.

Right before he left the house, I saw something flash across his face. It was just for an instant, but I'll never forget the look.

It was my Dad's look.

It was the look Dad got on his face when my mom was yelling at him.

The very same look that brought tears to my eyes as a little girl, I had now produced in the man I was about to marry.

After he left I remember sitting down in the middle of the kitchen floor and crying. I did not want the relationship my parents had. I did not EVER want to see that look on his face again.

So that day I made a decision.

I decided that we would be different. I decided that I was more than my experience growing up, that I could do things differently, but I needed to do things differently.

And from that day on we never fought like that again...

WRONG!

It took a lot of purposeful thought, reading a lot of books, and watching others interact before we were good at fighting. And in the beginning we stumbled, often. But when I did fall back into what I knew, I could recognize it and turn it around. I could ask for forgiveness and do things differently.

I'm not going to pretend this is an easy thing to do. Because let me tell you, our brains are amazing things! Thankfully we can learn behaviors we do over and over again, and they become rote, otherwise we would have to think carefully every time we tied our shoes or signed our names on a piece of paper. But that same amazing quality that makes getting out the door in the morning and signing a check so much easier can also make relationships more difficult. When stressful situations occur we often go into default mode and do what we know, and to do things differently it take conscious effort and purposeful thought.

But it can be done! It just takes the same kind of practice it took us to learn to tie our shoes! You must practice doing it over and over again until you master it.

But you don't have to do it on your own! Get in a community with other couples and do life together! And if you need more than that, a relationship coach can help you develop skills and provide accountability so that you can start doing things differently!

If I can help you in any way, please contact me through my contact me page on my website!