The B Word

Boundaries.

This can be a touchy subject for some, an impossible ideal for others, especially if boundaries were not modeled by your family of origin.

This is a difficult post for me to write, as much of what I am about to say, I have never put in writing. I have told my story to few. But I know that there are other's who have struggled with similar issues and if it helps to see one person who has persevered through it, it's worth it.

My family life as a child was a little rough, but I was good at hiding it. Even for those who have been closest to me this may come as a surprise.

And much of this centers around choices my mom made. She passed away 8 years ago, and I do not want to disrespect her. I know that she had her own things to deal with and I do not write any of this to soil her memory, but simply to understand how our choices can impact those around us.

My dad was a career Navy man and was gone much of the first 8 years of my life. I was left at home with an older sister and mom who didn't cope well with him being gone. She often drank to excess and was not at her optimum. She was not a nice intoxicated person, often angry, often mentally abusive, sometimes physically abusive, and negligent.

Through these early experiences, I took on the role of chief enabler. My job was to keep everything balanced and fix the problems of the family. When mom was upset, I rushed in to smooth it all out, calm her down. I was the go-between in my parents relationship relaying information and trying to calm the storms. I felt my responsibility was to protect her by what ever means.

Dad retired from the military when I was 8, but the stability of him being home was not enough to offset the instability of my mom's illness. She exhibited compulsive behavior in many areas of her life, from drinking to cleaning, she often lived in excess.

As a child I felt alone and was sure there were no other families like mine. I remember in Junior High School, being assigned a book to read in language arts. It was a book about a girl living in an alcoholic family.

I could have written that book. It was the first time I realized I might not be alone.

Being a part of a family like this created within me a real desire to please others and a real problem with boundaries. As a teenager, I was eager to have people like me and I was willing to do whatever it took to make them like me. I began exhibiting extreme behavior.

I needed stability and an example to follow.

And then God met me where I was.

I had been sent to church when I was about 5 years old. It was scary.

The preacher yelled a lot.

And I asked my parents to not send me there anymore.

Although my first church experiences were frightening to say the least, all through my childhood I prayed.

I remember turning to God for help when I was scared at home, or when school was rough, or when I was confused and needed direction. I did not truly know Him, but He knew me.

Then when I was 20 years old, I met my husband who introduced me to the God I had been praying to all those years.

And this God had so much to offer me! He offered me things that no other human had or could offer me. Things such as unconditional love, kindness, peace, joy, patience, gentleness, goodness, and boundaries.

Yes, boundaries.

Let me be clear here, becoming a friend of God's was not the end of this journey. He did not hand me boundaries in a neatly packaged gift, and then take my hand and skip down the golden path of no-more-troubles. But He did open the door for me so that I could learn and struggle to develop them in my life.

It was not immediate, my sweet husband withstood several years of me learning what a boundary in my life meant.

And the ability to develop and maintain good boundaries effects EVERYTHING.

Learning to set up boundaries in my life led to me being the wife, parent, friend, coach that I am today.

Over the next few posts I want to explore what having boundaries in the tough areas of life look like and how to not just set them up, but how to maintain them even when it's difficult.