Oops! I Fell In Love

Hopefully you remember that moment when you first realized you were in love with your spouse. I do. We were just 20 and 21 years old. We had been dating on and off for about a month, he thought we were exclusive, I thought we were, well, not exclusive (more on defining the relationship in later posts). I had a date with him the first part of the night and after he had to be home, I had a date with someone else. I remember sitting across from this other guy and thinking how dull he was. I remember thinking, "I wish I was still with Mike." It was the next day that I made the decision that I would date no others. I had officially fallen in love with him.

Wait a second! What happened there? Did I make a decision or did I fall? Was it a purposeful decision or did someone push me? Today, I want us to think about the concept of falling in love and, just maybe, begin to understand just how destructive a concept it can be and then change our thought patterns to be more purposeful.

When we believe that we fell in love with our spouse what is stopping us from believing that we can fall out of love with our spouse. Did you have no control over your thoughts, emotions, and actions when you met your spouse? I understand that in the beginning love can feel like it's beyond your control, but when you really think about it and separate yourself from all those ooey, gooey romantic feelings you come down to the realization that you made a choice.

And here is the good news friends, especially if you are feeling hopeless in a relationship right now, choice based love is sustainable.

If we want things to be different in our relationships tomorrow, we have to start doing and thinking differently today, and one step in doing things differently is simply shifting the way we think about something. What if today instead of saying, "I fell out of love with my spouse" you say "I am choosing to love my spouse today".

Okay, I hear you, you want to know how do you do that? How do you choose to love someone? Well, the author of creation tells us what love is He says, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

When I am coaching clients who are struggling with the choice based love concept, I will ask them to come up with a statement/question that they can ask themselves when they are faced with a challenge to love in their relationship. For example, when you walk in from a late meeting and the house you left mostly clean is now kind of a shambles and everyone is just sitting around and several are even playing video games (this of course is a totally hypothetical situation ;), what can you say to yourself at that moment instead of doing what might come naturally and blowing up?

Could you ask yourself "What would love do next?"

Can you stop and choose your next action not based on instinct or what you have done in the past, but based on what would be a loving action.

And if you do choose to ask that question you must remember that love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor, is not self seeking, is not easily angered and does not record wrongs.

Hear me friends, that doesn't mean that you allow yourself to be treated abusively or that you allow others to walk on you. It does not mean that you don't get angry, it just means that even in your anger you do not disesteem the other person. You do not do it out of selfishness and you certainly do not hold on to it to use later.

"What would love do next?"

Can you let that question drive your next action?

Of course you can! But it takes making a choice to do things differently and realizing that love doesn't just happen. Love is a choice we make every single day. How can you choose to love your spouse today?

Thanks for reading! And if you think I could help you in your relationships, please contact me on my contact page!