Four Ways to Avoid Over-Committing Your Kid

This may end up being an unpopular post.

I want to continue to talk about boundaries, but this time in the relationship area of parenting.

I think we would all be in agreement that it is one of the most important things we, as parents, can impart to our children. I would even go as far to say that teaching our kids to have healthy boundaries is more important than all the math, english, science, music, or history that we could teach them.

God says in Proverbs 22:6 "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it."

That is a pretty big deal! The lessons we are teaching them now about how to handle their time and commitments are lessons that will stick with them for the rest of their lives.

So, how you help them schedule their time now is how they will learn to schedule their time later. And even more than how you schedule their time, how they see you schedule your time impacts how they will schedule their time as they get older.

Let me say that again, how they see you schedule your time impacts how they will schedule their time as they get older.

I look around and see kids who are rushed from one activity to another. Parents who are frazzled and don't have time to talk to each other let alone invest in their marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I think that intentions are good. I believe that the parent that has over booked their child really feels they are giving their kids opportunities.

And maybe they are.

But are we teaching them a balanced life? Are we teaching them to say "no" to good and "yes" to best?

There are a lot of great activities out there. And I am sure your children are very good at many of them. But are we doing them an injustice by not helping them draw boundaries around their activities.

What is too much?

I think there are several things we can do to decide where the boundaries lines should be drawn.

1. What are your big rocks?

A couple of posts back I talked about the big rock concept. Before you start scheduling your kids for every sports team out there, what are your big rocks for your family. Is worshiping together important? How about eating dinner together? Free time? Date night for you and your spouse? Once you decide what your big rocks are then see which small rocks fit in. Remember, every time you say "yes" to something you are saying "no" to something else. Another way to look at this is, does this activity match up with the vision, mission, and values of your family? If you haven't already set up a mission and vision you can read about it here.

2. Predetermine a time allotment for extra-curricular activities and stick to it!

This is where we, as parents, have to be really good with firm boundaries. Having a discussion prior to signing up for those activities, about what is a fair amount of time, is a good place to start. Once you have decided, as a couple, what your priorities are for your family decide how much time you will dedicate to kid's activities. Here comes the hard part, you will have to say no to those things that don't fit in to your agreed time. Now, could this potentially be altered for a season? Absolutely! Boundaries should be firm but not un-moveable. If, as a couple, you agree that adding to your child's extra-curricular time commitment is necessary for their growth, then go for it! However, I would suggest a trial basis and reevaluation after a couple of months to make sure it is still in line with the vision, mission, and values for your family. Remember, once again, when you say "yes" to something you are saying "no" to something else.

3. How do you feel about the new commitment?

That pit in your stomach when you think about adding a new activity. That voice in your head that says this is a bad idea. The pounding in your temple when you look at your calendar. The joy in your chest when you think about adding this new opportunity. The overwhelming peace you feel when you think of the new addition to your schedule. Your body will let you know if this is a good opportunity. But you have to listen! If you dread the thought of adding this activity. If you catch your self saying, "I should..." there may be a problem.

4. Ask your kids.

I have had enough conversations with teachers, children's pastors, and youth ministers to know that there are many kids out there who know they are over-committed. I actually have first hand experience with trying this tactic with our kids. Our family being a full time ministry family has always had to be careful with both our time and our treasures. We had to have really good boundaries around what we devoted our time and money too. I remember a time when our kids were little, our girls were 6 and 8 years old. They had been in gymnastics for several years and enjoyed it. They went a couple of times a week and they were pretty good. One day the coach approached me and told me she felt our 6 year old was very gifted at gymnastics and wanted us to consider a traveling team.

My first instinct was that they just wanted us to spend more money on lessons.

So I said "no".

Shortly after this we moved to Illinois. We quickly found a gymnastics teacher and got the girls enrolled. After a couple of lessons the coach approached me and asked me if I would consider putting our 6 year old on a traveling team.

Ok. Maybe she really had a talent for this. I told her I would talk about it with my husband.

We decided we would ask Kylee if she would be interested in the additional commitment. We sat her down and explained to her what the coach had approached us with and she looked us right in the eye and said she was not interested in the extra practices. She just liked going to her classes how they were now.

So there was our answer. We said no thank you and she continued to enjoy going to gymnastics.

Setting up boundaries for our kid schedules is not an easy task, but it is time well spent. In the end this is more about developing humans that know how to set boundaries and have balance in life!

If I can help you in any of these areas, please contact me!