7 Guidelines For Fighting Fair

In my last post I talked about fighting, and when done fairly, how it can be a sign of a healthy relationship. And that all sounds good, but you maybe asking yourself,"What are some practical steps to take when trying to develop fair fighting skills?"

I'm glad you asked. :)

What follows below are some guidelines. With my clients I really love for them to explore together how they communicate and try and come up with a list of guidelines for their unique relationship, and I would encourage you to do the same. And once you come up with an agreed upon set of "fighting rules" I encourage you to write them out, and keep them handy. If you want to know why this is so important, go back and check out my last post. To be truly successful in any relationship we want to be responsive not reactive and that takes practice! Here are a few ideas:

1. Avoid distractions. The first principle for a fair fight is to put down distractions (ahem, your phone, tablet, computer, tv...) and look at each other. I would even go so far as to say sit next to each other and face each other. Once you have your partners undivided attention consider the second principle.

2. Pray. I know, praying together may not be easy or even your thing. But an honest prayer of what you want to accomplish through this disagreement is an amazing place to start. And if you don't pray or believe in prayer, it's still a good time to close your eyes and calmly verbalize what your mission and vision is for the relationship and how resolving this issue supports that. It can be a great time to get re-centered and evaluate if this dispute even matches what you have laid out as the mission and vision of your relationship. (Don't have a mission and vision for your relationship? A relationship coach can help you to figure that out!)

3. Spend the time resolving the issue completely. When issues are not satisfactorily resolved that issue will be left in limbo and will continue to complicate other issues until it is resolved. Women, in particular, have a tendency to become "historical" as Dr. Eggerichs calls it in his book "Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs". Dr. Eggrichs says,"Your wife is wired to get historical, to bring things up that you've totally forgotten, to go full circle and get them resolved. She's dredging them up so she can clear the air and feel love in the relationship. And you, the hapless husband who stand bewildered before her seemingly superhuman memory, will have to come to the point where you accept that this is her integrated personality in action and that she can't 'just drop it.'" So if you know this has a potential to stop growth in your relationship, resolve the issue before you move on.

4. Stay focused on the issue. This means you need to fight about one thing at a time. And by all means, when both of you have agreed that an issue has been resolved leave the past behind and don't bring it up to cloud the issue that you are currently trying to work out. When you veer off onto other topics, especially ones that you have agreed were resolved, it only introduces a lack of trust, confusion, and distraction into the conversation.

5. Avoid absolutes such as always, never, and constantly. These words do not move the discussion forward and are not helpful in finding common ground - the goal of a fair fight. So agree to eliminate them from your speech and when one is used, retract it and reframe the comment.

6. Instead of fighting each other, fight for each other. Make the decision that productive fighting is beneficial to your relationship, and your end goal is to have a great relationship. If you keep that in mind as you fight, you will be stronger when you finish than when you started.

7. Stay engaged. Try not to leave. If things are too heated and you need a break, take it, but keep the break short, don't go too far away, and come back together to resolve this issue quickly. Try and not start a conflict when it's too late, or you or your partner are hungry or tired.

These are just a few ideas for improving your fighting skills, but there is a caveat to any of these steps making a change in your relationship or the way you communicate with your partner. There is an underlying trait that a marriage must have, and without it all our attempts at repair are futile.

Check out next week's post to find out what this trait is and how you foster it!